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Heartbreak takes its toll...

You know when you're sick, you often hear people asking you if you are "stressed." A lot of people think that stress can cause illness.
Now I've always agree with that just for kicks you know. If I'm stressed I can pull off a sick day and people will understand.
Recently, however I've become a firm believer that this is compeltely 100% true.

Monday night (I believe), I was sick. I was extremely sick. But I wasn't vomiting.
Eventually later on in the evening I began to vomit. Blood. Yes I was vomiting blood.
The next day I went to the emergency room (couldn't go right away because of ... lack of .. help).

Turns out I have an ulcer and gall stones among many other things that is fucked up with me.

Anyways, I am still sick. I'm waiting for surgery. It shouldn't be much of a wait. I just need to schedule it.

Anyways, I've been catching up on my ghost hunters. Season 4 is absolutely amazing. The evidence that they have caught for this season is insane! (I hope they aren't faking any of it. I'll be so disappointed) I will be updating my Ghost Hunting blog of MOPR soon with plans for our next season of ghost hunting.

La La La La...OOO OOOO....If You Seek Amy ;)

Ok...first of all. Have you guys heard Britney Spears' Circus yet??? SERIOUSLY get it! I don't care how....download it illegally or legally. Go out and buy it. Fuck it...steal it from the damn store. I'm serious, this girl is back.
Is it sad that I'm EXTREMELY proud of her turn around???

Anyways, I suppose everyone expects me to explain what happened over the past couple months. And I would absolutely love to explain the hell that I went through.
Unfortunately, .... someone....broke down in front of me. And I feel for him (to an extent). I mean the poor guy is going through what I went through.
You know the truth, but no one will confirm it for you.
It hurts. A lot.

But he had asked me previously not to discuss any of it. Which SUCKS because MAN would it ever make for an entertaining read. I mean... its full of love, lust, betrayal, backstabbing, adultery, lust (again), secrets, money and blackmail.

ITS WONDERFUL.

But I can't ... I simply can't.
I'll find a way....but at the moment I can't.

So what I will tell you is how I am after that long list of sad, yet entertaining events.
I'm better. I mean, I'm still sad and depressed. But I'm not where I was 6 months ago that is for sure.
I mean....do I miss that aspect of my life. Yes, of course. Do I think we could have worked it out. Yea. Would I now??? Not really...maybe for the friendship aspect of it. But there is just aspects of what happened and what is happening that I can't control that makes it literally impossible for me to look at him and trust him in any situation.

The kids are fine. They are growing up really well. Mackenzie is finally up to par with her classmates. I'm very proud of her improvement.
Lisa is becoming a trouble maker, but she's two and its expected.

Anyways, seeing that I can't really figure out a way to completely go around my ... respect ... for him (SINCE WHEN SHOULD I REALLY DO THIS FOR HIM????)...
Honestly, I 100% believe that everyone on this planet should know what Jim and his stupid woman, Becca, did to me. Actually...Jim didn't do any of it. He just allowed it to go on by ignoring the blatantly OBVIOUS situation. I mean EVERYONE could see where it was heading because of her actions. He was just so lustful over this ridiculously immature woman....omg...
I mean when I have to BLACKMAIL her to get her to grow the fuck up, that's SAD. Thats fucking sad....
Anyways, I can't really get into it right now. I really wish I could. Lets just say shes a two faced whore that needs to be a nun or something because she doesn't know the meaning of a relationship if it was stapled to her fucking forehead.

Yes... I'm alive

I am truly alive.
And I really apologize for my lack of posts.
My computer broke, than the internet was lost, than i got an IPhone with a SEVERE lack of compatibility with the blogger webpage (BOOOURNS!!!) and I had no ITunes account (DBL BOOOURNS!!!).
But I bought a mac, and I'm .... on the internet. Somehow :P

Anyways a lot has changed. I'll give you a quick run down because realistically I don't know how long the net will work for.
-Jim and I stop sleeping together
-He went out with a Two Faced woman
-I got the shit end of the stick
-I began seeing someone else...
The end.

Am I over Jim? I'm working on it. It's getting better as time progresses.
He's still one of my priority people, and I still care about him. But I don't see a relationship in the future (as much as it kills me to say that).
This new guy, is a great guy. I really like him, which I honestly can say surprises me every time I talk to him. He is in no way my "type"...however his pressence makes me smile. Plus...he's really good in bed :P (hopefully more on that later *crosses fingers*)

Wanna be Masochist (I learnt the meaning of the word today :P )

I've quickly realized something. After going through all my past relationships, I've come to notice that I have been the "other woman" more then the "only woman." I'm sitting here watching Season One of Sex and The City, and I am on the episode called The Monogamist. I am sitting here and I am truly wondering is monogamy is a rare art form.
...
I have a secret. Alright. I know. I should have shared this with you all before. But I was ashamed...
Now however, knowing Jim's views on monogamy and...the how its impossible to expect it from him....I don't feel like that as much.
I have been sort of seeing someone ... since January. Him and I actually just broke it off on Saturday night. It wasn't even anything sexual and we didn't sleep together until Jim and I separated. However, we (the other man and I) felt that it would be good to have an emotional relationship before hand. And while it felt good, it also felt smothering. Until the past month.
He would find the stupidest reasons not to come visit me.
So it made me wonder if women got it completely wrong. Why do we really expect an emotional monogamist relationship...when we're pre-wired to reproduce with as many as possible.

Ugh...
Am I seriously doing this? Am I seriously trying to make him be the right one? I'm so ridiculously pathetic.
I guess I'm starting to think about things differently. I think. I'm not sure.

Jim and I did hook up again, even though we both agreed that it's completely wrong and horrible. Not only for us, but for everyone around us. Ad even though I was completely using it for the sex aspect of it, Jim seemed....odd. He seemed completely distant from everything that was going on. And even though he knew that I was doing it for the sex,it seemed as if every couple of minutes he had to remind him. Almost the look in his eye was like...he had to remind himself. Or maybe he snapped into what he was doing.
I'm not sure. He seems to think that I'm pretty masochistic. ... When in reality...I'm really not. Sure, like a lot of women I do enjoy the rape fantasy here and there. I enjoy the odd abusive night. However each time i kind of a bore. And that's what it became Saturday night. A bore. e was getting exactly what he wanted...but I couldn't have fun. There were three things I wanted:

1) A romantic fuck (like that would ever happen......again)
2) A regular fuck
3) Beat him senseless while he lets me fuck him.

Why is that so hard for him to understand. I'm alright with the masochistic fuck every so often....but more often I need him to be the masochist right now. I need to remind myself what he did to me...and that is what I keep trying to do. And I wanted to do Saturday night. But with him holding me down every time I tried to rip out his chest hair (my favorite thing to do to him right now because it serves us both with a positive...he looses a clump of chest hair I get out my frustrations...), it became very difficult for me to enjoy it to the fullest.

Is it weird that the only way that I'll be satisfied by him right now is to know that he is in pain???
...

Ugh I'm sad. I need a good party, a good cocktail and a good fuck.

Things are geting really hard...

I am trying. Really hard. I'm trying really hard to move on and let go. I'm trying to realize that what ever goes on between Jim and I is nothing more then a simple release. And I am fine with that.
Over the past two weeks, I've been receiving Facebook messages of Harassing nature from (former) mutual friends, as well as high school aged slut the Jim seems to be ... talking to for some reason. It's fine. It's just drama that I'm trying my bet to ignore. I don't know why they are trying to cause drama. But, I guess if it entertains them....
But I've also noticed that a lot of my stuff is slowly going missing from Jim's (...my) place. In particular, my jewelry. Nice jewelry. Stuff that I treasured because I've never had anyone ... ever purchase me such nice things before. Things that they knew I would adore and love. And now...they're gone.
I have my feelings on who it is. And I think it is completely unfair on why she is doing this to me. Why can't it be satisfying enough for someone to steal someones husband...but to attempt to steal some ones entire life at that. Stealing my clothing, my movies, my treasured Jewelry.
The past couple weeks have been really hard. Because I don't really have anyone to talk to. Jim is being the "I WANT to be friends....BUT...." guy. And the other guy and I just have completely opposing schedules...so why bother. I never have time to call home. And the time I do have to myself....I don't want to be alone. I don't even want my friends really either....I want that intimate connection. And I don't have anyone left that has that with me.
It feels like the whole word right now is coming to a complete crashing halt. And I can't control it. And I can control what is going to happen next. The only choice I have is whether or not if I should even keep going. I don't even feel like its worth it anymore. Not for anything. I love my kids...but I feel like .... I don't know. I feel completely empty. And out of control.
I just don't have anyone left anymore.

My own mind fuck

As much as I want to sit here and tell you how horribly regretful I am for sleeping with Jim, I can't.
And as much as I want to sit here and say that I want to stop, I really can't.

It's like a sad little game I am playing with myself. I want so bad to keep some type of connection with him in an intimate level, I am keeping the "fuck buddy" friendship going. It is sad.
I am hopelessly trying to have some sort of relationship with him. Grasping at every fucking straw....

OMG Jeffree Star Rox my world!

seriously though...theme video forever :

Another Post for Another Day

Its been a little while since I posted, and I really felt the need to. I feel...empty when I don't post. This is my relief.
Like I said in an earlier post, I have moved out of Jim's place. The kids are still living with him. This we figured was best because Mackenzie is still in school and Lisa is still you know...little. Plus, I needed a break. This move may not be permanent though. The lease is up in the end of July, so unless I can save up enough money and find a decent place within the next few weeks (Which i guess is entirely possible...) I may eventually see myself back at Jim's. But like I said ... this is a breather.

But I do have a story to tell.

It all started with a facebook message. My legged had supremely hurt because I got a massive charlie horse in my calve that for some reason spread all over my leg all the way up my thigh. Ever hear of that happening?? No I didn't so. Either way, it left a pretty painful phantom pain in my leg for about 24 hours. Jim messaged me with a kink-like message

"How did you hurt your legs?"


As usual, I went to Jim's to hang out with the kids. I ended up sitting down and playing video games with Jim for a good part of the day. We had super (which I honestly can't remember what we had....) and Jim offered to go and pick up some liquor. See where I'm going yet?
Jim came back home with a bottle of cheap ass wine, a Rockstar and a quart of tequila. As soon as I saw the tequila I knew what was planned. And I can't say that I completely objected. While my better judgment told me to stop, I couldn't. It was a weird and odd feeling. While I wanted to say stop, just the feeling of him touch my skin was electrifying.
He felt me up, and gave me a massage. And he talked about everything. It was nice to hear him speak like that again. I really missed it.
And we kissed. And it was the best kiss that I've had in a long time. While it was jam packed full of lust and sexual tension, it had a hint of longing ... like you haven't seen your lover in like weeks upon weeks.
And we went upstairs. And I really don't know what happened to me. But I think I might have shocked him in the amount of control I took over. ... And I think I shocked him in the fact that I actually kept grabbing him by the throat when I wanted him to be serious. I was so drunk. And honestly the whole situation didn't surprise me. From the drunkenness, to the fierceness of my personality. Seriously, if we were to do it again, I'd act like that again. It was too good to not act like that.
Long story short, we had sex for a long time. He licked me, I sucked him, we fucked, we fell off the bed. He came in my mouth which to be very honest...I can't remember the last time I let him do that. Either way, I'd do it again. It was EXACTLY what I wanted, and needed. Well there actually were a few things missing....but it was still pretty damn sweet.

However, this situation has it's down fall. While it's unbelievably obvious that he was using me for sex, and probably still will, I can not help but want it again. And I can't say that I can refuse to do it again. And I can't completely say that this hasn't drudged up a bunch of feelings that I haven't had since the first few weeks of the break up. It kind of makes me want to possibly approach him with an ... idea. I just maybe want to start from scratch. Start all over again. And take it slow this time around. A lot of couples do this. Especially in our situation, where one of the partners has "fallen out of love," they try this to see if it's even possible to build up that ... ladder of trust again. And if we're not able to do this, then we at least know that we've tried.
And while he is absolutely stubborn and ... seems to be completely against the idea of working on our situation, I would like to possibly explore this idea with him. You know, I just want to see the effort being made, not just for me but for Lisa Marie.
Unfortunately, I'm scared of taking the first step and asking him to do this.
So I guess this might be my way of asking him, as I know he occasionally reads my blogs (as it's essentially my diary...my true feelings are here). So if I don't get a response it could be for one of TWO reasons...
1) he's saying no.
or
2) he hasn't read the blog.
So it's a ... fail safe in a way I guess.

As sorry as this sounds, I'm willing to do just about anything to get him back at this point. He said a few things that ... has resonated with me and I've decided to try and work on these things. And these are things he's mentioned over the past year. I would endure a lot of pain....

I'm just happy that I got the opportunity to warn him that a lot of his friends, aren't as good of friends that he thinks they are.


My legs are still wobbly and aching...I wonder if that bruise is still on his arm.

I still love him, but he likes her

I've moved out. Kind of...
I'm not sure what to think really. But I've moved out. There is a bit of weird situation, but I'm figuring it out. I guess.
I really not sure what to think right now.
I still love him.
And he is with his girlfriend right now.
And it hurts.